Merry Christmas, Filthy Animals!


Hey, y'all ho, ho, ho! It's that time of year again, when the halls are decorated and the Christmas trees are lit like a drunken uncle on New Year's Eve. Yes, what a merry Christmas!

Now, before we get started, let me say this: If you're one of those people putting up Christmas decorations in November, you need to calm down. I mean, seriously, do you give Thanksgiving a chance? Before you decorate your house like Clark Griswold, let the turkey take the spotlight.

With all that said, let’s talk about the real reason for the season: gifts. I mean, of course, the birth of Jesus and all that is important too, but let’s be honest, we’re all in it for the spoils. I don’t know about you, but my Christmas list is longer than Santa’s naughty list. I've been dropping hints to my friends and family like there's no tomorrow and if they don't get it, they've got some serious coal in their socks.

Speaking of stockings, can we talk about how weird it is that we hang them by the fireplace and fill them with random junk? I mean, who came up with this idea? "Hey, let's take a stinky old sock and stuff it with candy and little toys, it'll be a great Christmas tradition!" It's weird, but hey, I'm not complaining. I love going through my stockings on Christmas morning and finding all kinds of goodies. It's like a treasure hunt, but with more tinsel.



Now, let’s talk about the big guy: Santa Claus. I have some questions for this jolly old fellow. First of all, how does he fit all these gifts into a sleigh? How did he hit every house overnight? I mean, when I was trick-or-treating, I had a hard time hitting every house on my block, and I wasn't even carrying a sack full of toys. Santa had to work some serious magic to pull this off.

Let’s not forget the most important part of Christmas: the food. I don’t know about you, but I plan on eating my weight in cookies and eggnog this holiday season. I mean, it’s the only time of year when you can have dessert for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. By the time New Year rolls around, I'll be waddling around like a stuffed turkey, and I couldn't agree more.

So, as we wrap things up here, I just want to wish you all a Merry Christmas. Whether you are naughty or nice, I hope Santa brings you everything you have always wanted. Remember, this isn’t about gifts, decorations, or food. It’s about spending time with the ones you love and spreading joy and cheer. So get out there and make some memories that will last a lifetime. If all else fails, remember the immortal words of Kevin McAllister: “Merry Christmas, you filthy animals!”

Post time: Dec-25-2023